Honey, Your Husband Is A Homosexual

This afternoon as I was waiting for my friend to pick up her sandwich at Cosi for lunch, I was watching 2 people enjoy their lunch at a table nearby. I thought it was peculiar that they were sitting so close on the same side of the booth but I assumed that was due to a lack of available seating. They laughed over their toasted sandwiches and I thought how cute it was that these friends were having such a fun time on their break from work. I had to chuckle to myself when the gentleman told an extravagant story - mostly with his hands. He sat cross legged and was very flamboyant. Then the friends kissed. When I say kissed, I mean sucked face. They were making out, tongue and all, right in the middle of Cosi for everyone to witness their public display of affection.

As I stood there flabbergasted, I wondered how this woman (the mans wife due to the sparkly ring on her left hand) didn't know that her husband was gay? This is a woman who is completely in denial but 5 months down the road when you catch him in bed with the neighbor boy you are going to say "I was blindsided. I had no idea!". Well, to the lady in Cosi, and all other ladies in denial about your husbands tendency to sing Broadway show tunes in the shower at a higher octave than your 5 year old niece, I am here to tell you that your husband is a homo and it is okay to dump him. Him and the paper boy will love you for it.

Walking On Sunshine

This weekend, when on the train platform waiting to go home from the beach, we saw this woman standing in head to toe tie dye. We thought she was a little loopy, especially since she was holding a hula hoop. Hey - to each their own right? And then she started hooping...



My sister made the comment that she must be the Richard Simmons of the hula hoop with a fanny pack...."Sweatin' to the Hula!" My friends and I decided that she had to be listening to Walking on Sunshine by Katrina and The Waves from the 80's. She was actually listening to hardcore rap when we saw her later. Maybe she can teach us a few things - Don't do drugs and have a damn good time doing whatever makes you happy! I hope you all enjoy this as much as I did!

To the guy in Starbucks that just commented on my blog name... I hope you read this because you were pretty cute :)

What's The Plan, Man?

I constantly get asked the question that starts as "What are your plans for...?" I constantly ask the question of others. Trying to coordinate plans can sometime seem like the most daunting job on earth. Plans are part of our daily lives whether getting the question at work - "How did we perform to our plan? Did we make plan? Do you have the plan?" What if I don't want to have a plan? At work it is used as a form of measurement to see how well we are doing but what about plans in life?

What in life can be measured by a plan? You might have a plan to accomplish something in 1 year but if the year flies by, as they always do, are you not successful or do you not measure up because you didn't "make plan"? What about plans with friends...we make them so that we can see our friends and try to accommodate every ones schedules. Sometimes just the scheduling of it all makes you want to cancel all of the plans and stay home. At home you might be planning what you are making for dinner or what TV show you want to watch. Does the planning ever end?

A few months ago, I met a girl whom I didn't really care for. Unfortunately her memory has been nagging at me since she visited the city. The thing that was bugging me was that this girl had what she deemed her "5 Year Plan" of all of the things that she wanted to accomplish over a short period of time. The worst part about all of it was that I was fearful of my next 5 years because I didn't have a "5 Year Plan". A few weeks ago, I made my plan. It put my mind at ease. Was it because I now have it all figured out? No. I have created dreams and things to look forward to. Now I can stop the planning and just keep living and working toward my dreams.

A Sparkly Horiscope

Last night when my date and I were grabbing a drink after dinner, and after the waxing incident, we were approached by a person who wanted to read our palms. This person, a man dressed as a woman with a cute blue sparkly hat and shimmery bright red lipstick, said that he/she knew the future. Being slightly tipsy and even more intrigued than anything, I held out my hand for him/her.

He/she began to tell me that I had just relocated and started a new chapter of my life. I just moved 2 months ago. I was hooked! What else did he/she have to tell me? He/she explained that I needed to use this new transition in my life as a stepping stone for all other things. Great things would happen if I could trust and let them happen. Then he/she motioned to my date and said "I haven't read his palm yet but he looks trustworthy!"

Thankfully when he/she read my dates palm he/she didn't have to go back on his/her word! It was a fun little way to end the date but all I was really thinking the entire time was if I would look cute in a bright red sparkly lipstick like he/she had on. Unfortunately I didn't ask where he/she got it.

Fiery Dates

Tonight I did something that I have never done before. I got a bikini wax...and then I went on a date. It hasn't been one of my best ideas ever. First if all, if you see someone ham it up in a movie and make fun of the experience and joke about it's extreme pain- they might not be joking. The wax made me want to scream pop stars names at the top of my lungs, namely Kelly Clarkson. Why anyone would pay so much money to inflict this type of pain on themselves is quite beyond me.

Right after my wax, I met my date at the South Street Seaport. Just the walk there was excruciating and it took me more than 10 minutes to walk what should have only taken 3. When my date insisted walking a little farther to to restaurant, I hoped it would be worth it. When he turned around and lead me back where we came from because "Oops, we missed it" I was ready to just fall over. Finally, we were going to be sitting down. Ouch. Unfortunately, sitting hurt more than walking around. Was that really possible?

Apparently it is possible to hurt more sitting down than standing up. My remedy of red wine combined with the Tylenol that I took early in the day didn't seem to do much at all. Despite my flaming midsection, I managed to have a fun time. Who knew that a person could be fun even if your crotch was on fire? Maybe he wasn't that funny, maybe I was just looking for a laugh to ease the pain.

My Rack

Whenever my mom comes to visit, she kindly cooks for me...since I don't cook for me this is greatly appreciated. I also appreciate her fixing my oven. When I first moved in I found it difficult to get things in and out of my oven. The oven rack had this bend in the front an whenever I tried to slide out the pizza tray or dish, it would get stuck on the lip of the rack. Why wasn't I using my microwave? I don't have one. Shocking. I know.

So I figured that there was nothing to do about my crazy oven racks and continued to struggle whenever getting something out after cooking. This weekend, my mother kindly pointed out that my oven racks were in the oven backwards. She also told me that she has lost all hope of me cooking one day and winders how she bore me from her womb. I have no idea. Thanks for cooking all of that yummyness this weekend Mom...even if it was done on a backwards oven rack :)

No Soup For Me

After a fun filled weekend with family and friends, I find myself continuing on with the head cold that started earlier in the week. While relaxing and reading the humongous September Issue of Vogue, my phone beeped with a text message. It was the boy that I had been on a few dates with wanting to know how my weekend had been and if I wanted to get together for dinner. Making my molehill of a cold into a mountain I told him that I would be sleeping for the remainder of the day to try to get better. Meanwhile, I just wanted to relax with my enormous magazine and avoid the rainy day outside.

Not even close to a minute later, he texted back that he makes a mean chicken noodle and I should consider it. He was just trying to be helpful but I chose to read into it the way no normal girl does. I said that I didn't trust his soup and was going to stick to Tylenol PM and herbal remedies to help myself. When in doubt just insult his cooking abilities and his aptitude for helping a sick person - that will drive him away. Or so I hoped. He responded with a get well wish and an offer for dinner later in the week. Maybe a dinner is in order. I mean, he has stuck it out this long even with me making fun of him and insulting his culinary expertise. Maybe I will think of a few more cheap shots before the appetizer arrives.

All In It's Place

Tonight I came back to my apartment after celebrating a friend's birthday expecting a mess. I knew that I was getting a new dishwasher since the old one broke and I knew my apartment would be in disarray. I had already moved a few furniture pieces so that they could maneuver in through the doorway without ruining anything. When I came back tonight everything seemed to be in it's place. Nothing was too dirty. Nothing wasn't where I had left it. Or so I thought.

I went into the bathroom and saw the toilet seat was up. Who comes into a chicks apartment and leaves the seat up? I never thought that I was one of those girls who cared where the seat was but boy was I wrong. Who knew how infuriating a toilet seat could really be?

Hook, Line, and Lost Her

Last Friday night I went on a second date with a guy that I met at the beach. I must have at least liked him a little bit since I agreed to a second date. When I met him at the bar, I was shocked that he actually looked cuter than I remembered. He gained a few points since normally I am super judgmental on a second date and tend to find ridiculous things wrong with a person.

Not surprisingly, after 2 drinks he was looking pretty cute and getting funnier by the minute. He even ran into friends at the bar and they seemed fun too. It is always a plus to meet a few random friends - I think it gives you a deeper insight to that person. Just as I was letting my guard down something strange happened. On my 3rd drink he started to get un-cute. I couldn't believe it! Does that really happen?! I immediately stopped drinking that drink and downed a glass of water hoping to reverse the effects of the previous drink.

Since the bar was close to my apartment, I suggested that he walk me home instead of making him get me a cab. It was a nice night and I was still hoping that the water would kick in. We had a nice chat on the walk and then when we stopped in front of my building, he kissed me. Romantic right? No, it wasn't. Right after he kissed me he said a phrase that I can now call that show of affection the "Kiss of Dating Death.". He said "I'm so hooked." I hoped that I hadn't heard him correctly so I asked him to repeat himself. He repeated "I'm just so hooked on you. You're awesome." I said goodnight and walked into my building thinking to myself that he just lost this fish on that cheesy line.

Not So Smart Car

After a quick hour of rollerblading, I was walking back to my apartment when I spotted a cute guy. He was on the West Side highway waiting at a traffic light. He saw me and smiled and gave a little wave. It wasn't until then that I realized there was something wrong with him. He was sitting in a smart car. Instantaneously I didn't like him. Thankfully he is doing good for the earth and all but he wasn't cute anymore while sitting in that car. Note to you boys out there - if you are trying to pick up a girl, it isn't smart to do it in a smart car. It's kind of like going to pick up your date on a tricycle.

On my walk home today, I got stuck behind a pair of women who were chatting up a storm about their husbands. The things they were saying about their husbands weren't very nice either. The thing that surprised me the most about their conversation was how loudly they were having it. Didn't they realize that they were walking down a busy New York City street?

At first I thought it was just me who thought this. However, when a group of people, myself included, were stopped waiting to cross the street, the one woman said "I had to practically beg him to get on top of me. I yelled at him and said that I would only be ovulating for the next 3 days so he'd better get to work." I think one woman almost fell into oncoming traffic. The man next to the women glanced over with a worried look on his face, shook his head and snickered to himself. I was thinking about her poor husband. Not only does this woman's friend know about their bedroom behavior and her ovulation cycle but so does a handful of unfortunate New Yorkers. Here is a little advice for all of you Walkers and Talkers out there...

- Keep it down! No one cares that you got into a fight with your boyfriend, or the girl at work drove you nuts. Hell, the person that you are talking to probably doesn't even give a shit.

- Ovulation is not a public topic. See above.

- Lady on the street today: Tell your friend to stop discussing her personal issues with you. If you don't feel comfortable telling her that, tell her what you really think - her husband doesn't want to have a baby with your friend because of her big mouth.

- Be mindful of the people around you. One never knows when a story is going to be so harsh that it scares a woman to almost dive into traffic or startles an old woman due to the inappropriate topic of discussion.

- If you are clinically crazy, shout at the top of your lungs about whatever you want. You are excused.

Wardrobe Wonders

I am going through my closets in search of something to wear to Atlantic City this weekend. As I am flipping through the dresses I slowly begin to realize that I have nothing appropriate to wear. By appropriate, I mean inappropriate. Atlantic City isn't always the classiest of places and definitely isn't where you should try out your brand new dress for the office.

Does the fact that I don't have any inappropriate clothes mean that I am getting old and growing up?! If it does, I'm headed out to go shopping for something low cut, short, and sparkly!

Caught Red Faced

This week has been filled with fun. Seeing as I haven't posted in a few days - too much fun! Drinks, dancing, and dinners have been my life for the past few days. I even went to the beach this weekend. Today, when I got back into the city, I was planning on relaxing after a long bus ride. However, my motivated friend went to the gym and she inspired me to get outside and exercise. As usual, I Rollerbladed. I was feeling so inspired that I went another 10 streets farther than normal!

Something that I don't enjoy about exercise is how I look afterwards. My face, no matter what I do, gets beat red with any physical exertion. I was relaxing on a bench at the end of my marathon rollerblading session and sweat was dripping down my red face. I used my shirt to wipe off my face due to lack of a towel. When I looked up from behind my shirt, I see two stunning older gentlemen one of which was Hugh Grant. I saw him smiling so I smiled back but then began to laugh at the irony. Of course I would see a beautiful actor when and only when I had a face as red as a red delicious apple. Maybe I will be inspired to Rollerblade even more now!

The Toughest Weight Loss Plan

This evening as I was frantically running around the city looking for a Staples for printer ink, I came across one of the meanest things ever. Besides the fact that I didn't realize there was a Staples one block away from my apartment is beyond me but since I walked over 20 blocks to find one, was why I saw one of the craziest form of irony.

Imagine, if you will, trying to lose weight. It is a very difficult thing for millions of people. It is something that they struggle with on a constant basis. Now imagine that person finally gets the courage to ask for help about their weight. Taking this as a step in the right direction, they head to the Jenny Craig Weight Loss center on 15th and Broadway. As they are walking to sign up for their new life, they completely pass the entrance to the weight loss center. Thy didn't pass the building because they weren't sure of the address. They pass their new lease on life because they headed next door to the McDonald's.

It's a son of a bitch isn't it!

Lasik For Dates

Once again my girlfriends and I were talking about dates and how exactly to find them. One of the afore mentioned girlfriends is a tall blonde beauty who is so nervous to say hi to anyone that she thinks is cute. This results in no dates.

She mentions that she can't always see a person who is walking by her until they are really close so she doesn't realize if they are cute until too late. As good friends, we start suggesting remedies to her unfortunate eye problem. Why not wear your glasses all of the time? A boy would also think that you are even smarter because of your extra accessories. She replies with "But the eye doctor said that I only have to wear them for driving and stuff - not walking down the street." Well maybe your doctor doesn't realize the severity of the situation of no dates in NYC.

The suggestion of LASIK eye surgery came about since my friend didn't want to wear her glasses all of the time. We chatted about how routine the procedure has become and that it is widely popular and helpful. She stopped us there by saying "Do you realize what lengths I have to go to get a date in this town?! I'm considering eye surgery so that I can see boys better. This is ridiculous."

Point well taken, but maybe you should just consider smiling at every boy you see on your walk to work. Even if they aren't cute you can just say "No" to a date. Chances are he could be cute too. Honestly, it doesn't matter if your date is cute or not - you can't see him anyway.