Victoria Doesn't Eat Turkey

Who are the producers of the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show? I don't want to know because the clothes were cute. I want to know because the show aired tonight - just under 5 days since Thanksgiving. What are they thinking?

They are hoping that men across the U.S. will look at these lingerie clad women and wish that their wives looked like them. Needless to say, their wives are closer to my height of 5'2" and quite farther over the 100 lbs. marker than they would like to be. Sorry dudes, if you buy that sexy negligee, your wife won't get taller or skinnier. Thankfully, the wings aren't available for purchase (I am using the wings as my excuse this year. If you have huge wings on TV...it makes you look smaller than you really are. Since they don't sell the wings, there is no possible way that you can look that good).

Happy post Thanksgiving ladies. Sorry that you won't be able to enjoy turkey for the coming years since this fashion show has scarred you for life. It was only the yummiest bird of the year, that's all. Nothing a really cute panty won't fix! Not!!!

Charlie Brown Christmas

Tonight, after returning from my lovely extended Thanksgiving weekend, I decorated my apartment for the holidays. It only took about 15 minutes to make a catastrophic mess and a questionable holiday feel.

Since there is so much shine and sparkle in my studio apartment already, I decided that I would add even more to give it a really glitzy holiday effect. Well, the sparkly birds and shiny pine cones just kind of blended in. The only decoration that really makes it feel like the holidays is my ficus tree...and no, I did not say douglas fir or evergreen. I lost over 20 leaves just trying to put the ornaments on the thing and after all of that it reminds me of the one that Charlie Brown decorated. See for yourself...

Charlie's Tree:

My Tree:

So it's official - I can't cook and now I can barely decorate. Let's hope I can still keep the tree alive.

Thanks And Giving

Today, even though technically it's a day early, I would like to list what I am thankful for. It is that time of year that we should look around us and just say "Thank you." I am thankful for...

- Not having to be stuck in traffic today. I am sitting comfortably in my hometown while many people are trying to fight their way home. I am thankful that I am not those people right now.

- Not having to cook. My mother is busy in the kitchen, it smells amazing by the way, cooking up a storm for tomorrow. Cakes, pies, turkey, and all of the sides are magically making their way into and out of the oven all without me having to lift a finger.

- Good advice. A friend of mine mentioned that I should screw up something very simple while trying to help my mother to cook so she wouldn't ask me to help again (she was threatening to make me help and to teach me). Being the unwilling culinary student that I am, I decided to paint my nails instead. This way I have the excuse of "My nails are wet" and "The topcoat isn't dry yet" and "I just got my nails looking okay again, no, I can't peel apples" in my back pocket to pull out once there are suggestions that I help with the cooking.

- Having a good appetite. Some people can't eat a lot of the really amazing food that is made for tomorrow. I don't know who these people are, but I am thankful that I am not one of you.

- The shopping genes. Even after a full day of binging on turkey and sweets, I have the ability of getting up really early to run around with a bunch of crazy women and hunt for deals in a crowded store. I call it a gift and I am thankful for that gift.

- Friends and Family. I should have listed them on the top of this post, but why not save the best for last.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone :) I hope that you all have a blessed day!

Exercise Shmexercise

This weekend I spent most of my time exercising. Good right? Yeah, only if you like exercising.

First, I went to Pure to do yoga. It was an hour and a half long class of pure pain. Not only was I in ridiculously tough positions, the teacher was annoying me by telling me stories of her travels and trials and tribulations. I was thinking that my rubbery feeling limbs might just have to walk up to the front and slap her. I just wanted her to teach me how to twist the other way so that I could have a new pain replace the old one rather than talking about how it was over 100 degrees in India when she was there.

Next, I went to an interesting class with my girlfriends. It was a class that taught you how to "work out" in high heels while dancing. Yes, it's what it sounds like. It is also as embarrassing as one might think trying to "exercise" in front of a bunch of people. Honestly, those moves really made my muscles hurt.

I plan on continuing my new found exercise routines...as long as they aren't painful and they aren't embarrassing. We will see how long this lasts.

The NYC Dating Challenge

As if dating in this city wasn't hard enough, there are constant challenges that are being thrown at you left and right. For example...

Challenge #1 - The other week I chatted with Bongo boy about how I didn't want to be in a serious relationship with him. I explained that I just wasn't ready for that next step yet and I was enjoying the friendship stage. I was also enjoying the dinner and drinks too :) Then, earlier this week he tried to have a heart to heart with me about how he didn't know why I was even hanging out with him. He said that I was "emotionally not into him" and seemed "disinterested." I said that this was exactly why I didn't want to be serious - the awful and painful conversations.

When I brought up the just being friends I really meant it as just that. I didn't mean it as a challenge for him to try to get me to be in a relationship.

Challenge #2 - My friend recently started dating a guy whom she really likes....likes a lot. She is a bit different than myself since she doesn't actually like dating, however, that still doesn't make her immune to dating challenges. One rule of the universe (God's sense of humor is interesting during times like this) is that all of the old boys that you were and were not interested in come out of the woodwork. They come by way of running into them in the streets, bar hopping, and through email to challenge you when you are happily getting settled.

An old guy friend of hers got in touch with her through email and asked her out. Unfortunately for him, she said that she was seeing someone. Also unfortunately for him, he is an asshole. He continued to reply to the email and doubt her happiness and the guy she was seeing. He wasn't such a huge challenge because he was a jerk, but there are always more of these guys from our past that pop up just as we really decide to get into a relationship.

Challenge #3 - There are so many guys in this city to choose from. How do you pick just one?

Challenge #4 - There are so many restaurants in this city to choose from. How do you pick which on you want to go to with which boy?

Challenge #5 - There are so many dating challenges in this city and the biggest challenge can be ourselves. The last thing that I and my fellow daters should do is make things more difficult and confusing. Just let things be and they will be if they were meant to.

Matchmaker Matchmaker Make Me A Match

"Dating in NYC makes Sex and The City look like a cakewalk" - Patty Stanger, Millionaire Matchmaker

This woman is a genius. She takes crazy people, millionaires and looking-to-be millionaires, and tries to get them to find love with one another. I have been catching up on the most current season and have to give props to Patty. Not only is she awesome, but she has her work cut out for her with this city. Assholes, Man whores, Bimbos, Princesses, Jerks, and everyone in between is coming into her office to be fixed up.

Since I see Patty as one of the best matchmakers, sorry Mom - that wedding photographer put you at the bottom of that list, I often wonder who she would set me up with. Tall, short, handsome, amazing? Or would I be one of those unlucky ladies who gets stuck with the boobie prize? We all know him from the show - Rich, ugly, and an asshole with something to prove.

A few months ago, I had the 25 page application for the NYC Millionaire Matchmaker show in my hands. I looked at the stack of papers for a few days before finally tossing it out. I am not sure why I didn't fill it out, I love to date and I love meeting new people - money or not. I guess that dating on camera is just a little too much for me. I wouldn't need to write about my dates anymore, everyone could just tune into the show! Until Patty Stanger calls me personally, I don't think that the show is for me...with the exception of tuning in every Tuesday Night on Bravo.

Patty, you are my hero. Please call.

Go Fish

I hung out with Bongo Boy again tonight. We ordered food and watch an awful movie. Another of my ridiculous choices. Obviously he should learn and not let me pick the movie. A little over a week ago, he and I had "The Talk." This is the talk that I usually have with many of the guys that are unfortunate enough to make it past the 3rd or 4th date with me. The talk is usually me explaining to them that I am not ready for a serious relationship but they are a great person, and they usually are.

Next comes them agreeing up and down that they want what I want and that I am the best person ever. I am not making this up, they actually say shit like that. Then, about a week or so later, they are out with it. They have issues with just hanging out and wonder what "my deal" is. Well dudes, my deal is that I am not ready to get into the serious game of Poker yet. I am still playing Go Fish and I'm winning the hand. Until I found the exact fish match that I want, I'm not ready to gamble all of my fun away.

Unfortunately for Bongo Boy, we came to that fork in the road. I wasn't giving him what he wanted, and he wasn't being quiet enough to watch the movie. Draw another hand.

Viva La Mexico

This past week, I was in Mexico. Sounds fun right? Rethink that...I wasn't in Cancun, Mexico... I was in the Middle Of Nowhere, Mexico. Two very different Mexico's and two very different ideas. One has the wonderful scenic beauty that makes you want to drink tequila, bask in the sunshine, and dance your ass off. That is not the Middle Of Nowhere, Mexico that I went to. I was there for work all week and that also makes you want to drink tequila and bask in the sunshine...but you cant.

After a long week all I wanted to do was get back to the city. Since we were all so excited to go home we celebrated with a few tequilas the night before our flight. Unfortunately one or two of us, myself not included, celebrated too hard and could barely get up to make it for the flight. We were 3 hours outside of the Mexico City airport and only had 4 hours until our international flight. After bouncing up and down and back and forth in the SUV to the airport, we were all about to vomit. Unfortunately, I also had to go to the bathroom when I should have been checking in for my flight. At 1:05 pm with the flight boarding at 1:30 I had to make the all important decision of whether to pee my pants or catch my flight. Thankfully I made the plane without any accidents.

I am happy to be back in New York City. Thankfully here I can bask in the sunshine (its 60 degrees in November), drink martinis, and dance my ass off.

My Worst Nightmare

This past Friday, as I was walking to a friend's apartment, I ran into my absolute worst nightmare. This incident was so horrific, it might have scarred me for life. I was trying to run with a heavy suitcase from Lexington Avenue to 1st Avenue at around 2:30 in the afternoon. I was late for a ride home. Suddenly, they were everywhere. Coming out of the buildings, on the street, running this way and that. I couldn't move. I was paralyzed. If I moved forward, I would run over one of them. I couldn't go around them. If I went back, they were already behind me and I would have been even later. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs but I didn't want to scare anyone more than I was already scared.

I powered through being careful not to run any of them over. While I was trying not to have a panic attack I almost screamed "Really?! What the Fuck?" and then almost stepped on one and I did yell that. Really loud.

Children, yes Children, were running amok everywhere. They had just gotten out of school for the week and were running around and screaming in the streets. One thing with the Children in New York is that there are way too many of them. When they all get out of school at once on a Friday afternoon, it is just way too much for anyone that is trying to walk down that street. I warn all of you out there to not try to go anywhere at 2:30 on any afternoon in this city. It is hazardous and a literal nightmare. I am still thinking about it and definitely still scared.

Crazy Obsessive

I am neurotic. I obsessively clean. I double check for bedbugs before sleeping. I organize everything I see. I read and re-read text messages before I send them.

I was having a text messaging conversation and could barely type the sentences since I continually erased them and re-wrote them. My friend gave me advice to "just be yourself" and "don't over analyze every word". I said that not over analyzing every word isn't being myself.

neu·rot·ic

¹

^{[noo-rot-ik, nyoo-]}

–adjective

1.

of, pertaining to, or characteristic of neurosis.

–noun

2.

a neurotic person.