Sext Me Baby

Tonight, I realized that I am officially old. Yes, old...at the age of 26. The first thing that made me realize this was the screaming and carrying on outside of my apartment. There are Halloweeners on the street yelling and Halloweening. I hate Halloween. I am old. I hate screaming Halloweeners.

I also realized that I am old because I cannot Sext. Do you know what a Sext is? I only recently learned that it is supposedly a sexy text message. Yes, a Sext and yes, I'm old. I cannot Sext. Maybe it is because I am not a good lier. I cannot sit on my couch watching Brothers & Sisters on ABC while drinking a glass of red wine and scarfing down something that I call a dinner and be witty and funny and, much less, sexy through a text message. Also note, I am sitting on the couch in granny panties, slippers, and a t-shirt. A really big t-shirt, for the record. They are also really ugly slippers. Slippers aren't sexy unless they are covered in feathers and are in the form of a high heel.

I know that answering the text message back with something highly inappropriate isn't going to help the situation. I am still going to feel old and I will feel like a phony. A Sexty phony that is. Unfortunately being older also means being wiser. Maybe I will just text those Halloweeners outside and tell them to shut the hell up so that I can watch my TV show and go to bed early.

Everything But The Kitchen Sink

Tonight I was having dinner with my girlfriends and we were chatting about the types of qualities that we want in a guy. Qualities such as politeness, cuteness, sincerity, and sense of humor came up, among many others. I ended up saying that I wanted the "Kitchen Sink" in a man. Then I wondered out loud...where in the heck did that phrase come from?

Who really wants anyone with a kitchen sink? Is their sink full of dirty dishes or is it spotless? Nobody likes to do dishes. Does it have one of those cool sprayers? They are always fun. Is it metal, ceramic, or another material? It is like saying that you want a guy with a full Refrigerator, really. Really? You have to make sure he is at the right temperature or everything inside him will go bad. Are you still sure you want a a guy like a refrigerator?

Personally I would like a guy with an Oven Range. He also better know how to cook on it or I am screwed.

The Game Changer

On Friday night, I was apparently re-introduced to a guy which I did not remember. Thankfully he didn't remember me from the first introduction either. I say "apparently" because had I really met him, I would have already dated him. He is very very cute.

After meeting him, he instantly seemed to ignore me. I would stand right next to him and he wouldn't talk. I would be across the way in a group of people and he wouldn't look. I immediately thought that he wasn't that into me. That is what the "He's Just Not That Into You" book taught me anyways. So what did I do? I ignored him back. Intentionally and unintentionally of course. After I found out from our mutual friend that this was his "game" and that he usually ignored the girls he liked, I decided to play along. Eventually he came around to talking to me and we chatted for the rest of Friday night.

Saturday night started out the same way. He barely said hello. I think I got a nod. I decided to face the situation and stop the game playing in a more grown up way and actually say "Hello" and started a conversation. Thankfully my adult reasoning and actions paid off. We talked for most of the night and I can definitely say that he seemed interested.

I guess I will see if he calls...maybe that's gonna be a long shot.

Things That Should Never Be Googled

Tonight I went for dinner with a few girlfriends. One of the girls is recently single and has been dating a bunch of boys. She ended up having a crush on one of the guys that she has been seeing and was unsure of what to do about it. She said "I really like him and definitely have a crush on him but I don't know if he thinks of me in that way or just as a friend. I even Googled how to know of a guy likes you or not." I thought this was the funniest thing I had ever heard. Even now, I am cracking up laughing (with her of course). So what did I do? I Googled it myself.

How to know if a guy likes you.
- 5 signs he's interested

1) He tells someone - Apparently if he tells someone that he likes you, he likes you. But how the Hell are you supposed to know? It's not like he told you. If that happened you wouldn't have to Google to ask the question about if he liked you or not.

2) The look - He looks at you and smiles. You might just have weird hair or a funny outfit on. He also smiled at the toothless bartender too. Don't take too much stock in this so called look.

3) The conversation - He moves close to you and asks questions hoping that you are single. He might not have any friends around and since you took his silly "look" for the meaning that he liked you, he picked you to chat with. He might ask you a bunch of annoying questions that you don't want to answer anyways.

4) He appears unexpectedly - No explanation needed. This guy is a ghost. Run or call a priest to get rid of this creeper. He doesn't like you... He is stalking you or haunting you. I'm not sure which is worse.

5) EVERYONE likes you - Suuureee they do. Don't ever Google this question again.

I am in the middle of reading a great book. It is called "US Americans Talk About LOVE". I know, I know. Love. Yuck.

I do have to say that even for a girl who has very strong thoughts about love - finding it, dating many until she finds it, or not knowing if she will ever find it, I am impressed. The book looks at what love means to people across the U.S. ranging from 5 years old to pushing 90. Who knew that there could be so many completely opposite stories about one single subject that is completely abstract. Some stories make you fear love, some make you want to be in love at that very second, some stories make you wonder what the Hell you just read and why they interviewed that specific person.

Kudos to John Bowe and team for making me think even more than normal :)

No, You Lock It Up!

I should be sitting on a nice comfy couch having a big glass of vino at the moment. I should also be enjoying the aroma of a home cooked meal. I'm not doing either of those things. I'm standing outside of the apartment that my friends are locked into. Yes, they are locked IN! The deadbolt is broken. The worst part about the situation is that I am standing outside the door with a big bottle of wine...and no bottle opener.

Maybe the locksmith will be cute, because I am sure God has a great reason for keeping me away from my fun Saturday night. My friends just sent me a note under the door...this is going to be interesting.

Update: 10 minutes later - He isn't cute. It's just someones idea of a funny joke.

This Is A Stick Up

As I was on my walk home from work tonight (yes, that's why I haven't been writing because I have been working so late) I was thinking about what to eat for dinner. There are always 3 options - make it myself, order good in, or find a date to take me out. Obviously, as you can see from the name of my blog, I didn't want to make dinner myself but I had ordered in last night and persuaded my date to do feed me before we did drinks the night before that. What was I going to make? I had nothing in my fridge.

At that very moment I saw a cute guy, a little scrawny, walking across the street. You think I asked him out? Wrong. I was seriously wondering how I could get away with mugging him. He was carrying a microwave - something that I don't have but obviously need. I never tend to be a violent person but I honestly considered all of the ways I could just trip him, make him drop the box, and then pick up the best invention ever made and run away with it, all without too many people seeing me. I wasn't a suspicious looking girl but when you are running with a microwave clutched to your person I am sure you will draw a but or attention to yourself.

When I got home I popped a mini pizza in the oven. I should have just jumped the guy...the pizza would have been done in 2 minutes and not burned in 10. Bon Appetit!

4 Years In Waiting

Imagine something that you have been dreaming of for over 4 years. You met him in Paris that long ago. He was perfect. Unfortunately you had to go back to school in London and couldn't have dinner with him. 4 years later, tonight, you would finally get that chance. You made the perfect reservation (owned by the French but the restaurant served the best Italian pizza you could think of). He was waiting for you at the bar when you got there. He was so nervous he couldn't even look at you. After a few minutes you had the conversation started but he wasn't as you had remembered him. Paris boy had aged beyond when you met him over 4 years ago.

I can't believe it had been 4 years since I have been to Europe. What did he think of me? I had placed all if my chips with him knowing, thinking, he was it to have been all wrong in the end. He was a nice acquaintance but that's all. No more than a drinking buddy whenever he is is town. I guess it is a little sobering to discover what you thought was "It" isn't "It" at all.

Onto the next boy. At least Paris Boy turned out to be a great friend and drinking buddy when in the city...

The Attempted Set-up

Last night I went on a date with a guy that I knew wasn't right for me the moment I spotted him at the bar. Why did I go out with him you ask? Well, simply because I didn't remember meeting him the first time at a party a few weeks ago. He seemed like a really nice guy, way too nice so, of course, I hated him instantly. After about 10 minutes into the date I thought that he would be better suited for a good friend of mine and that I shouldn't treat the date like a complete disaster but treat it like an interview for my friend.

At the end of the date as we were just walking outside, he suggested that we head to another bar down the street. That is when I hit him with my brilliant plan. The reason I couldn't grab another drink with him is because while he is a nice guy, he wasn't for me and my friend and him might mesh better and might possibly be perfect for each other. His face looked as if I had surprised sucker punched him in the face. I guess the answer to "Do you wanna grab another drink around the corner?" is a "Yes" or "No" kinda thing. In my excitement, I continued to explain that I thought he was a great guy and I knew this was really awkward but "When I have a feeling about these things I'm usually right." Again he was just flabbergasted. When he finally did speak he asked how I knew he and I weren't right for one another and I had no other answer than "Because you are perfect for my friend." Duhh!

Despite the randomness of the situation I ended up showing him her picture on Facebook after he seemed to warm up to the idea. The plan was that I would go home and chat with her, see if she thought I was completely off my rocker or not, and then forward him her phone number for future use. She thought I was completely crazy but said I could pass along her number anyway. His response after I buttered him up in the message with her number..."Appreciate the nice words but don't think this whole thing is gonna work out. Too weird. Take it easy."

I officially name myself the creepiest dater ever! He is officially named Toolbag.